Final Fantasy X-2 is a weird, pop-infused sequel to Final Fantasy X, where Yuna and her gal-pals (read: poly-lesbian super squad) travel around Spira and have weird adventures that would be side-quests in any other Final Fantasy game.

But none of that really matters! No, what matters most in X-2 are the Dresspheres, the Jobs of other Final Fantasy titles. They’re the most exciting part of X-2, where Yuna, Rikku and Paine change between different outfits in fun Magical Girl-esque transformations in the middle of battle to use different abilities.

But the question that’s never been asked (or maybe it has, I don’t know): how good do these Dresspheres look? Today we’re going to get an answer.

The Rules:

Yuna, Rikku and Paine each get a rating on a 10 point scale. We’re ignoring the special dresspheres, sorry.

Let’s get started!

Gunner

Yuna: This is her “default” outfit in game, and it does general justice? I normally wouldn’t be into the tattered chest, but it forms into her symbol so she gets bonus points instead. Functional, but fashionable. Not sure about that half-skirt, though.

Score: 8

Rikku: Those boots really don’t work with the pants, I’m sorry. Same half-skirt but in yellow? Nope. It’s not as bad as some of her other outfits though, so she gets some pity points.

Score: 6

Paine: She has a pirate-vibe going on, which I dig. She was also smart enough to not make her half-skirt so long, which gives her bonus points. Colors are good. Only thing keeping this from a perfect score is the completely unnecessary exposed midriff that looks like it was cut out of a cheese grater.

Score: 9

Thief

Yuna: I’m not fond of this dressphere in general, and think it looks bad on everyone. Of the three, though, Yuna pulls it off best. Strong colors and a cool skirt.

Score: 7

Rikku: It’s her default, so a bit of thought was put into it. The yellow actually works in her favor for once! But the dreads get a hard, hard pass.

Score: 6

Paine: Girl what is you doing. The heels. The weird thong-thing…just, no.

Score: 4

Warrior

Yuna: What is it with this game and cheese-grate midriffs? If this shirt was fully formed the whole outfit would be a 10. As it stands, I must take points off, but then add points back on because posing like Tidus and using Brotherhood is a nice touch. Though I wonder how Wakka feels about that, to be honest.

Score: 7

Rikku: She actually does alright here! The colors are nice, and using Auron’s sword is cool. Not sure about the boots, but we’re going to give Rikku the wins when she can get them.

Score: 9

Paine: If this were anyone else it’d be a hard pass. But Paine is just emo enough to pull this look off. None of it makes any sense and I love every bit of it.

Score: 10

Songstress

Yuna: This is actually one of my favorite outfits of hers. It feels the most like something a human might wear in real life or during a performance, which is more than I can say for most of these outfits. That shade of blue is perfect!

Score: 10

Rikku: She looks like a teen idol that immediately lost popularity halfway through her career.

Score: 7

Paine: What? What is this? Did she dig up Elvis’ corpse, take his outfit, and then somehow manage to make it worse? I’m literally losing oxygen right now.

Score: 3

Black Mage

Yuna: Killed it.

Score: 10

Rikku: Killed it.

Score: 10

Paine: Killed it.

Score: 10

White Mage

Yuna: It’s so…safe. I feel nothing looking at this.

Score: 5

Rikku: Why did she make her cuffs look like the flaming dragon shirts I wore in middle school.

Score: 4

Paine: Now this is what I’m talking about! Paine took the White Mage and made it punk. I am in awe. It’s crazy how much of a difference taking your hood off makes.

Score: 9

Gun Mage

Yuna: I dig the purple, and the necklace is great. Still very much unsure about these half-skirts, however. And I’m worried about those little…screws? Is your dress nailed in, Yuna? How do you get out? Are you okay??

Score: 7

Rikku: Gonna need you think twice about those stockings, sorry.

Score: 6

Paine: This was SO CLOSE to being perfect. But the checkered pants just throw the entire thing off. I can’t stop staring at them. They’re bad.

Score: 8

Lady Luck

Yuna: I’m feeling everything in this outfit except for the gloves. The crown is a nice touch.

Score: 8

Rikku: Remember when I said most of Rikku’s outfits were bad? Yeah. I’m sorry they made yellow your primary color, Rikku. You got done dirty.

Score: 4

Paine: Paine walked into a crowded casino with a cigarette and is going to take all your money. And you’re going to love every second of it.

Score: 9

Alchemist

Yuna: Finally, Yuna’s half-skirt shortens (even though it’s still half a skirt, which still makes it weird). Normally I wouldn’t be into big shoulder pads, but the look actually works here.

Score: 7

Rikku: Holy crap, another good Rikku outfit! I’m getting strong Samus vibes, here, and that’s a good thing.

Score: 8

Paine: The weird vertical straps throw everything off. Also, purple and orange are not a winning combination.

Score: 5

Berserker

Yuna: She looks like she’d get on your MySpace page and give you the ole’ “rawr XD” combo. But I guess it works? Maybe on a system with more polygons it could do more. The fur is good though.

Score: 7

Rikku: Just…why…

Score: 2

Paine: She looks like she came out of the CGI Beastwars TV show from ’96. I mean this mostly in a good way. The colors clash but those horns are just chef’s kiss.

Score: 7

Samurai

Yuna: Yuna goes the 100% traditional route here. Not too flashy, but it gets the job done.

Score: 7

Rikku: I actually really dig this outfit! The skirt is bomb, it’s practical while still having that Rikku flair, and the helmet is great.

Score: 9

Paine: Not gonna lie…don’t really know what’s going on here. The pants look like 80s dancer rejects, and the giant buttons on the sleeves make her look like an old-fashioned toy from the 60s. That’s gonna be a no from me, dawg.

Score: 5

Dark Knight

Yuna: This is almost a ten, I’m just not sure about that clown/pirate hat hybrid. Everything else comes together well, though.

Score: 9

Rikku: I love my spiky unicorn girl. This is also one of those instances where the yellow is turned down a bit, which gives it bonus points as well.

Score: 9

Paine: This isn’t just emo…this is…advanced emo…

Score: 10

Mascot

No.

Score: 0

And that’s all of them! I hope you enjoyed this fashion walkthrough. Just for fun, let’s see how the points total up:

Yuna: 92

Rikku: 82

Paine: 89

Thanks for reading. No, seriously, thank you, I can’t believe you got this far.

This piece contains spoilers for Celeste’s ending!

I am a quitter.

If you’ve known me for more than five minutes, this probably doesn’t come as a surprise. I’ve quit personal projects because I didn’t feel they were good enough. I’ve quit jobs because I thought I wasn’t good enough for them. I’ve quit classes I’ve found too difficult. I quit working at RPGFan, a place I’m fond of, because I was worried the people there didn’t like me. I just dropped them all.

It feels good to quit things. To know that I was right, that something wasn’t worth doing, or confirming that I wasn’t good enough to do it. Quitting comes naturally to me. It soothes the part of me that wants me to be safe. The part that stops me from getting hurt, to stay cozy in a bubble of comfort and familiarity.

The characters in Celeste know how I feel. Madeline, the game’s protagonist, wants to climb the titular Celeste Mountain to prove something to herself, in spite of herself. It is revealed early on in the game that Madeline has depression, anxiety, and experiences panic attacks. She wants to accomplish something, anything, and so heads to the mountain to reach its summit.

It isn’t easy. Celeste is a game that demands pixel-perfect platforming precision. You will die. A lot. You’ll die on nearly every single screen at least once, in some spots 30 or 40 or 50 times, depending on your skill level. Every death will be your fault. Celeste controls perfectly. Your jump and air dash are the only tools at your disposal, and you will be tested and pushed to the limit to use both on every screen.

The way I describe Celeste’s mechanics make them sound antagonistic, a Super Meat Boy-esque escapade where every death causes you to inch one step closer to throwing your controller across the room. But that’s not the case. Celeste challenges you, but the way it does so is encouraging as opposed to aggressive. Loading screens send you post cards with uplifting messages: “Every loss means you’re learning!” There’s a forgiving Assist Mode that allows you to progress through the game even if you’re not fast or technical or have a strong grasp on the controller. And the music is soothing, energetic without being overbearing.

Celeste is a warm cup of hot chocolate on a winter day. It is a game that allows you to take each screen one step at a time, and encourages you to keep trying. And because of that, I didn’t want to quit, even at the game’s most difficult.

The way Celeste blends the message of its narrative with the mechanics at play is wonderful. Madeline’s anxiety and depression are made manifest in her “Other Half,” a dark-palleted version of the girl that serves as her antagonist for the majority of the game. Madeline’s Other Half taunts her, goads her into focusing on her failures, and — most importantly — tries to convince her to quit climbing Celeste Mountain.

As the story progresses, Madeline starts by wishing that Other Half would go away. But she eventually attempts to understand the motives and reasoning of her Other Half. She realizes that this voice in her head is one that’s trying to protect her from the sting of failure. Why hurt yourself when you can just…quit? The Other Half is trying to help in the only way it knows how, and this clash of feelings nearly throws Madeline off the mountain.

Near the game’s end, Madeline reconciles with her Other Half, and a heartwarming conversation ensues about the fear of failure, and allowing yourself to work past that risk to achieve something great. And it is here where Celeste allows its mechanics to weave itself into its narrative in an uplifting way — literally. Madeline’s acceptance of her Other Half allows her to air dash twice, and partner with the dark part of herself to launch into the air. The challenges ramp up even more as you make a final dash towards the summit, but at this point, you feel as if nothing can stop you. You’re going to get to the top of that mountain.

I didn’t want to quit Celeste. And because of Celeste, I don’t want to quit, period. It is a beautiful game that plays to its strengths in order to remind you that you are better than you think you are, and that you can accomplish more than you think you can. That anxious, scared voice inside of your head should be listened to, yes — but it shouldn’t stop you either. I can put Celeste in a small pantheon of games that didn’t just entertain me, but also gave me the encouragement to improve myself and become a more confident person. It is powerful, and you should play it.

Just don’t quit!

I wasn’t that excited for the new Smash Bros but ended up getting a copy. I don’t actually care that much about most of the game, but I’ve always liked comparing characters between each new release and seeing who’s good, who I used to like that sucks now, and so on. After two and a half soul-crushing hours spent unlocking all the characters, here’s how I feel about the roster members I spent the most time with.

Please keep in mind that I don’t know that much about in-depth Smash. You won’t see me talking about frame data or whatever. If you wanted to rank me, I’d the person everyone hates in casual match-ups, but would easily get stomped out of the pools of a legit tournament. So High-Tier casual.

Whatever! Let’s go.

Zelda

It’s 2018 and I’m maining Zelda. What a time to be alive.

Is it true that I picked Zelda because now she’s super fucking cute? Yes! Look at those shoes, holy shit! And she’s so expressive now, it’s great. Plus I love her new color schemes (I pick the Skyward Sword one myself). That’s fine though because Zelda’s actually super fun to play now. Din’s Fire doesn’t put you into free-fall in the air anymore, Farore’s Wind is easier to keep track of and has huge kill potential, and Nayru’s Love is fantastic for anyone trying to approach you as a “get the hecc off of me” button. Her new forward and back airs have sweet spots as satisfying as Captain Falcon’s glorious knee of justice. But all that said, it’s her Phantom buff that really puts her at the next level. The edge-guarding options are legit whack, and it can even kill at higher percents. If a good Zelda gets you knocked off the stage, good luck trying to get back on! Plus it lets you set up some absolutely dirty enders.

Roy

MY BOY! I’ve been playing Roy since the Melee days, and he’s never gotten his proper dues. “He’s just Marth but worse.” “His sweet spots are terrible.”

But a new game means a new engine, and it feels like this engine was built around Roy. In retrospect, honestly, it feels like Roy was an Ultimate character stuck in Smash 4. They finally fixed all his weird frame data and it shows. There’s no wonder they call Roy a lion because Ultimate Roy is a beast. His pressure is unreal, his damage is next level, and he has options for pretty much everything. This man is doing kill damage at 60% for some characters! I feel like a God! Literally the only thing holding him back is his mediocre recovery, but doing that will require you to get Roy off the platform first. And if he’s running towards you, that probably isn’t happening. It’s the Roy Boys’ time to shine!

Pichu

Don’t let her cuteness fool you – Pichu is a nightmare to deal with. I would never call myself skilled at Smash Bros, but when I pick up Pichu, I certainly feel like it. She has combos for days, and they’re all so easy to pull off. Her thunder being able to spike is so strong for the edge game, and she can use it to kill at higher %s. PLUS she can combo into that! The Ultimate engine benefits faster characters, and with Pichu as one of the fastest in the game, I’d be scared of her if I saw her online.

Young Link

There are a lot of Links in Smash Bros, but Young Link is the one to pick. While I mained Toon Link in Brawl, and Just Link in 64, neither can match Y!Link. That’s because he does what the other Links do, but like…50x faster. This little kid scurries around the stage like someone dumped a bunch of sugar in his Lon Lon Milk. He can combo his arrows into each other! His mix-ups are strong because of all of his projectile options, and he can throw out some ridiculous kills. Plus his down-air spike…so satisfying when you manage to land it.

I had a feeling I was going to like Inkling the minute I used her, and I was right. I tend to lean towards the speedier characters, and Inkling definitely fits that bill. She’s kind of like Y!Link in that she’s speedy and has a ton of options for different scenarios. Her ink takes a bit to get used to, and it can spell trouble for her if she’s run out, but she makes up for it in the damage that she can build up. Her roller is super fun to use, and canceling out of it for a smash attack after trapping somebody is truly revenge for all those who doubted the weapon in Splatoon.

If you don’t shout woomy after you take a stock you’re a cop though.

That’s everyone I’ve played the most so far, and who I’d put into my “team” if we were doing a 5v5 Squad Strike, I guess. There are a few others I put a bit of time into, but not enough to make any definitive judgments (Isabelle looks like she’ll be horrifying to fight against, however). Obviously, things could change, both in terms of characters I play and ones that seem good but end up being bad, or vice versa. Assuming I keep playing Ultimate, I’ll update you on anything new I find interesting!

What’s up losers, it’s time to talk about the games I liked this year. Shoutout to @spacegarbage on twitter for making the lit Mint banner, especially because I gave such useless groundwork like “uh she’d hold a Switch, I guess.” Artists are magic.

Anyways, games. We like those, sometimes, right? To be honest this year sucked in comparison to 2017, but it’s hard to top the year that Nier: Automata came out, so I’m not exactly surprised. It was a mediocre year that really trampled on any of the goodwill I had towards this garbage industry. I was more focused on finishing the creative projects that have been haunting me all these years. I caught up on my backlog and played a lot of FFXIV more than anything else, and barely finished any of the games I got.

“Alright you negative piece of shit, what games did you like this year?” I was getting to that! Here’s the stuff I liked, and a little bit on why. Please don’t expect much in terms of nuance – games criticism is worthless and I’m cripplingly depressed, so I’m just here to tell you where I had at least a bit of a good time.

Iconoclasts

There was a period from 2004 to 2008 where I was abroad from the states and also a child, meaning even if I had access to console releases, I didn’t have the money to play them. In that time I delved into indie games – Derek Yu’s games, Lugaru, and Noitu Love. Noitu Love’s sequel was hype as hell, and I was excited to see what would come from Konjak next. I didn’t realize I’d have to wait that long, but it was worth it. Iconoclasts is an incredible work from one (!!!) person, and I highly recommend it.

Monster Hunter World

I’ve always known how Monster Hunter works, but I’ve never played more than 40 hours of one. Monster Hunter World pushed me to over 100. It’s a Monster Hunter game I can recommend without a bunch of caveats, because its QoL changes made it worth it for casual players to give it a shot. Plus the Pukei Pukei is adorable and I love them.

Celeste

Celeste is more than the sum of its parts and made me a better person. Very rarely do games have anything to say, and rarer still do they have something to say that’s so personal and important. The game is difficult but not condescending, a rare instance where gameplay and story work in tandem to provide an engaging experience.

Shadow of the Colossus

It’s Shadow of the Colossus, but prettier. The game is already perfect, of course I’m gonna love it again.

Under Night In-Birth Exe:Late[st]

Alright, laugh it up, laugh it up. The title is stupid. I won’t argue that. It’s a shame it’s so underrated, because UNIST has the most thorough, engaging fighting game tutorials ever created. I’ve tried to get into the genre for years now, but it wasn’t until I played this game that I finally understood how the genre works. It plays like a dream, a mix of Street Fighter’s grounded fundementals with the movement options of an anime game. Plus it gave us Wagner, the greatest girl in gaming history.

Octopath Traveler

I know people weren’t fond of this game, but I loved it the whole way through. Figuring out broken job combinations and exploiting the numbers to my heart’s content never got old, and it was aesthetically pleasing on every front. Also it gave us H’annit. At this point you’ll probably recognize that my favorite games have good female characters in them.

Dragon Quest XI

It’s the third Dragon Quest I’ve ever finished. That’s the highest praise I can give it.

Spider-Man

Spider-Man is a good indicator that if your movement is good enough, then I’ll do all your boring side-missions. Everything Spidey does outside of the main plot has no point, and the game feels like one giant prologue for a better game to come, but it felt so good to play that it didn’t really matter.

Let me play as Miles, cowards.

Xenoblade Chronicles 2: Torna the Golden Country

Telling that one of the best games of 2018 is DLC of a game from 2017. Not only did XC2 add a ton of QoL changes, new blades, and a crossover with XC1, it also gave us Torna the Golden Country, an expansion with new plot, a better combat system, and most importantly: NEW MUSIC!

Assassin’s Creed Odyssey

You get to be a lesbian butch on a boat that murders people and literally steals girlfriends. Kass is the character of the year. Oh and the game’s fun too I guess.

Soul Caliber VI

It has 2B in it.

That’s it! Like I said this year sucked! I’m not as into games as I used to be, and am going to be very picky with what I play next year. If I wrote a “bad games I played this year” article, it’d be twice as long as this one. Next up is Music of the Year, which will be a much more pleasant and less sarcastic article, heh.

It’s wild, I used to delay on blog posts because I tried to make them gleam with the shine of professionalism. I had to give a primer on the pop culture I was talking about, establish some sort of thesis, pretend like I’m going to do this for anyone but myself and the six people that read this thing. Turns out when you forget about all that shit and realize this is a space for you and no one else, you end up writing more often, whoms’t’v’e thought! Who even cares, if Ben Shapiro gets to crap out “””content“”” then so do I.

So anyways today I wanna talk about how Trails of Cold Steel 2 is a flaming pile of shit.

“Mint,” you say. “That’s a little harsh. It has some redeeming qualities.” And that’s true, Laura is in the game, but this is a fleck of gold on a steaming pile.

So Trails in the Sky isn’t even a cult classic anymore. The cult is gone. Everyone harps about that series. That dumbass on Kotaku won’t shut up about it almost as much as Suikoden II. When I tried it I thought my mind was going to be blown. “This is a real story,” JRPG nerds told me. “This is what JRPGs are all about.”

What I got was a moderately better story than other games, with a lot of boring padding and a really good protagonist, and pretty much nothing else. I hated most of it and quit 50 hours in. Most Trails fans would argue that I was five hours away from getting to the good stuff, but I could get more (and did get more) entertainment out of the bare-knuckled storytelling of an episode of Hell’s Kitchen.

But why do I even bring up Trails in the Sky? Because I didn’t think it was going to be possible to make its sequel series worse. Kudos to Falcom for that, I guess.

The first Cold Steel gets a bit of a pass from me. It didn’t try to be anything more than the high school harem bullshit it aspired to be, complete with annoying loli party members and half-sister — or cousin, or step-sister, whatever I don’t remember — that really wants to bang your bland, potato-headed protagonist. The blonde girl accidently shows you her panties or something 5 hours into the game and there’s a big hubbub about the whole thing. You’re playing an anime, fine. The QoL stuff was actually an improvement over Trails in the Sky, with fast travel and quest indicators.

Cold Steel 2 is worse. And it’s worse because it tries to be better. Far be it for me to tell others not to improve, but when your loli ninja is dealing with the political ramifications of the mercenary group she was part of, I have to start asking questions. Questions like: “How did we get here?”

There are three answers to that.

1. It doubled down.

Cold Steel 2 saw how popular the first game was and really went ham on the bullshit anime aspects. You got more loli antics. More harem shit. Potato-Head is an infallible do-gooder. His only crimes are being bland, and not understanding that every girl in his class has a crush on him. It turns out another 75-100 hours of that sort of thing, on top of the 100 hours in the first game, can be a little grating.

2. It tried to be political.

In theory I’d be interested in the politics of Cold Steel 2. There’s a whole web of intrigue just waiting to be unraveled, for us to find out who betrayed who and how. But in practice by the end of the game, none of these political reveals go anywhere, and no questions are answered. I understand that sequels in a game happen — this one has four (IV) — but if you can’t resolve questions without leading into another cliffhanger at the end of your game, you’ve wasted your story. You’ve shown that you can’t pace things properly, that you’re making us wait for some grand unveiling that will never come. There are a myriad of videogames that have told an amazing and satisfying story in under 30 hours. We’ve already doubled the audiobook length of the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy after two Cold Steel games, with nothing to show for it.

Which leads me to my third and most egregious point:

3. THERE ARE NO CONSEQUENCES!!!

Cold Steel 2 is probably the most anticlimactic game I’ve ever played. I guess this ties into the first point, but why does no one in this series stay dead? Characters are resurrected unceremoniously all the time, leading to the emotional impact of their sacrifices being completely nullified. After the third reveal, I was mashing through the boring dialogue where everyone agrees with Potato-Head. Why should I give a shit? About any of this? None of it matters, no one has done anything that actually matters, and it’s clear everything is going to turn out fine because nobody dies.

Your actions don’t matter either. You’re a class of high-school students wanting to intervene in a war. You’re meant to be the best of the best, but you spend 90% of the time fighting robots before getting saved by the older generation that is much cooler and stronger than you, and whom I’d rather play as. About 700 times did I fight a boss, only for the boss to go full Dragonball Z and go “this isn’t the full extent of my power!” and defeating me immediately. I was yawning at the complete lack of conflict.

This extends into the political aspects I mentioned. The game wants you to care about all the military maneuvering going on in its civil war, but there’s never any impact to it. This really reveals itself when there’s an attack on an entire civilian town, which ends in exactly one death and a couple of destroyed buildings. Cold Steel 2 is too cowardly to delve very deeply into the horrors of war, but postures as if it does. It can’t, because it would clash even more with the mechanics of dating your high-school classmates.

And that’s pretty much the long and short of it. It baffles me that Cold Steel gets any of the praise that it does. It’s a bloated, poorly paced mess, much like Trails in the Sky, but with the added anime tropes that Falcom had distinguished itself from in the first place. I literally can’t comprehend how you move from a character like Estelle to making a character like Millium“let-me-sit-on-your-chest-onee-chan” Orion, but I guess the weebs and squeebs loved it and we’ll be seeing more in the Trails series that comes after this one.

Hope you’re not here for balanced critique because holy crap y’all I love Tetris Effect.

The last game I played until 3AM in one sitting before Tetris Effect is Doki Doki Literature. Rather than send me into a crisis like that game did, Tetris Effect sent me to bed feeling like I’m on Cloud 9. It is an utter delight to experience on every level.

I mentioned in my Cowboy Game: Cowboy Harder review that I love examining how mechanics can impact a player. Tetris Effect is that thesis come to life. Developed by the creator of Lumines, it is a mastery of synesthesia, where every movement of a Tetris block, every flip and spin and bump and landing, is synched up with the game’s visual and sound direction. The skins you can play in defy explanation — one level will find you in a land of calm and soothing windmills, playing at a comfortable pace, while another has you stacking at lightning speed while an intense drumming track plays and flames engulf the playing area. I pushed on past my exhaustion just to see what the next stage would like, completely engrossed in shape-clearing, getting faster and more proficient in my stacking skills as I progressed. I can’t even imagine how much of a trip this game is in VR, but I can bet it’s amazing.

The only negative I can think of when it comes to Tetris Effect is one made entirely by choice. I don’t recommend playing the game in normal/hard mode, at least not the first time you play it, and definitely not if it’s your first time playing Tetris in general. There’s something extremely upsetting about losing in Tetris Effect, akin to getting your headphones yanked out of your ears in the middle of grooving to your favorite song. The stress of clearing lines clashes against the zen-like experience the game is going for. But like I said, that’s an optional scenario, and a recommendation from me.

Tetris is arguably the perfect game, if not the most enduring. It’s a game distilled to its purest form, one that you continue to see in your mind’s eye even as you close your eyes to go to bed after a marathon of playing – the tetris effect. That said, this version of Tetris is easily the greatest one ever made. Had it released only with its campaign mode and nothing else, it would have been worth the price. But the myriad of options and game modes makes it even more of an easy choice. There’s even a screensaver option that I’ve been using while doing my work at home.

Like I said, this wasn’t going to be an in-depth post at all. Just buy Tetris Effect if you have a PlayStation 4. You won’t regret it.

Oh God, another opinion about the cowboy game.

I know, I know, and I’m (mostly) sorry. But this is my corner of the internet, and if you’ve found your way here, you’re at least partially interested in my thoughts about Red Dead Redemption 2.

Before we start, assume that the end of every single one of these paragraphs ends with “I can’t believe Rockstar did this with all that exploited labor.” Assume that I don’t think you should buy this game at all based on this point. I got this game as a gift, but I honestly would have liked the My Hero Academia game instead if I had been asked (or Soul Caliber 6. Did you hear 2B is coming to that game? Lit).

So anyways you shouldn’t buy RDR2 because of the labor practices, but even putting that aside this game isn’t worth playing. I’ve been sitting and waiting for a game that would dethrone The Witcher 3 in terms of games that I’m not allowed to have a contrary opinion about without being harassed by “the gamerzzz” and buddy…we’ve made it.

We’ve made it because Red Dead Redemption 2 is such a dreadfully unfun experience built by a AAA studio that has managed to manhandle its way into being a high-reviewed game for no reason other than “it’s a Rockstar one.”

I have a lot of things I could say about this game, but I am lazy and also pretty much vowed myself away from pop culture critique because I find it so exhausting and boring and unpleasant and ultimately useless. But RDR2 pulled me out of retirement like a cowboy chasing one last bounty. So I’m going to focus on how the cowboy game feels a pressing need to have you exist in its world but not let you have any fun in it.

Immersion vs. Realism

One time in Red Dead Redemption 2 I got into a brawl outside a bar. We threw fists at each other back and forth, stumbling in the mud. My hat fell off at some point. When the fight ended, I could see the mud on individual parts of my character model, and bruises on my character’s face. I shrugged the fight off and hopped onto my horse, clip-clopping into the wilderness. I could hear the wind whistle through the trees, and in the distance, a gun crackling in a nearby mountain range. I could nearly feelthe chill clinging to my character as he rode, the sun setting on the horizon.

These are details that made the game feel immersive. So did seeing snow billow and pack realistically, or watching my character’s beard grow over time. I point these things out because Rockstar seems to miss where immersion ends and realism beings.

Another anecdote to illustrate: I had a bounty I needed to bring in alive. I went to find the man hiding under the crook of a cliff. A scene initiated where I jumped onto the man’s horse and chased after him. It was all very thrilling. By the end of it, I slung the man over his horse, lassoed up, and trotted into the town, where I delivered him to the sheriff.

Satisfied with the night’s events, I walked out of the jail and whistled to my horse.

…Nothing.

I whistled a few more times. “Not again!” my cowboy lamented. A popup appeared in the top-left corner of the screen. Your horse is too far away. Get within range before whistling again.

I pulled my map out and realized that my horse was still at the cliff where I had first found the bounty. The only way to get to him would be to steal someone else’s horse to find him, potentially triggering a bounty, or walking. Both were options I wasn’t particularly looking forward to, so I shut the game down in frustration.

This isn’t fun. It doesn’t immerse me. Is it realistic? Sure. But it’s also boring. The term “immersion” has been thrown around so often at this point it barely means anything. Any and every element that exists within a semi-realistic world’s systems leads to it being considered “immersive.” But immersion isn’t supposed to be based entirely on realistic elements.

To compare, a game that came out before RDR2, Assassin’s Creed Odyssey, does a better job of showcasing immersion without sacrificing gameplay that feels fun. Odyssey feels lived in. Its terrain is majestic and a joy to explore and take screenshots in. But I can also whistle for my horse to spawn behind me, even if he’s on the other side of the planet. I can carry a sword and a trident on my back, even though those are both extremely heavy objects. I can run without bumping into somebody and getting into my 400th fist-fight.

I’m not trying to say that the cowboy game needs to be the lesbian spartan game (although I’m not not saying that I’d rather play a lesbian cowgirl). I’m just saying that it’s possible to create an enjoyable game with sim elements to it that doesn’t require me to adhere to the exact limits of the real world. The real world is boring, it’s partly why I’m playing a videogame.

But okay. RDR2 does not entertain your notion of fun! It is a very serious, purposefully sullen and realistic cowboy simulator. Fine. But it’s not the biggest problem with the game. Which leads me to:

The Swampmonster

Lest there be any confusion, the above is what it feels like controlling your character in Red Dead (sidenote, I keep saying ‘character’ because I actually can’t remember the boring white guy’s name that you play as, sorry).

Let me give a few choice quotes from Kotaku’s review of the game:

• The physical act of playing is rarely pleasurable on its own. It is often tiring and cumbersome
• Pressing a button in Red Dead 2 rarely results in an immediate or satisfying response. Navigating Arthur (EN: oh! Arthur. That’s his name) through the world is less like controlling a video game character and more like giving directions to an actor.
• Almost every interaction must be performed through the same gauzy, lustrous cling-wrap.

The game went on to receive extreme praise for its foliage because…well, of course it did.

There is a difference between oppressive gameplay and gameplay that’s simply unfun. The Last of Us is also a story about sad things, and while that game has its own myriad of issues, at least it feels good to actually move around in the world. RDR2 does not feel like that. At all. It is so much more interested in its myriad of systems, but not so much whether you can even interact with those systems with any sense of consistency.

The simple act of running requires you to click the left stick to sprint, or mash/hold the X button. It’s 2018. It baffles me that Rockstar continues to get away with its archaic, PS1 Horror Game control scheme just because you can see the individual footprints in a muddy pathway. This game is a cinematic marvel, but it just doesn’t feel good to play. I tend to not like focusing on these minute, physical mechanics that come with playing a game, preferring to speak on broader and more interesting topics, and how the mechanics of a game can interact to deliver some sort of message to the player. But it’s impossible not to. Red Dead Redemption 2 is a bad videogame, because it can’t keep up with the advances in game design that have existed since the creation of a second analog stick.

ALL THIS, FOR WHAT?

In any other industry, a thing that takes 8 years to be made, that requires 100s of hours of overtime and exhausting the human willpower of its team, would be considered an abject project management disaster. The fact that Red Dead Redemption 2 exists in the state that it does, after hearing the stories about how it was made, is a disgrace that the gaming industry will always need to answer for, but never will. Instead, it will (and has) receive a shower of praise because…it’s supposed to? Because game criticism can’t not give a Rockstar game a high score? Because gamers will lose their shit if it isn’t given a high score?

It is games like these, that are made and released and hyped up and reviewed with glowing praise the day before release, without any consideration towards its creation, or even whether the game is good, that makes me want to completely disengage with the conversation that surrounds games as a whole.

And with that, I’m going to play Gravity Rush 2 again, just because.

Haruko Mint was a one-off character that I made almost a year ago. I made her in Charat, a website that lets you build cute little characters. Here’s her original design:

Back then she didn’t have a name. That came much later. I sort of went along randomly at first, picking traits here and there at random, but I eventually slowed down and spent a whopping two (!!!) hours on her. I love green so that was the motif I went with, and it progressed from there. Eventually, an artist fleshed out more of her details for me, as seen here:

I always envisioned Haruko as a Vocaloid. She even has a partnership with Queen, a pal’s Vocaloid.

She skateboards, loves the rain and the beach, dismantling capitalism, and smacking TERFs (usually with her skateboard). She’s mortal enemies with Kizunai – she knows what she did – and is best friends with Mo Qingxian too, a Chinese Vocaloid that recently made her debut as well.

She’s a Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2 fan, and sings fast-paced pop…even though I haven’t figured out a sound for her yet.

Truth be told I’ve built Haruko’s lore as I’ve went along, but it’s all been sort of haphazard. I don’t know if I have any further plans for her, but even though she has her own backstory, she’s come to represent me in some way.

The nice thing about the internet is that you can represent yourself however you want. This isn’t exactly a mind-blowing revelation by any means, but it’s something I’ve come to terms with myself only recently. I get to represent myself however I want, which is nice, because it’s something I struggle with a lot.

I’m straight, but Grey-A. I’m male, but enjoy cute things and aesthetics that would be considered “non-traditional” by society as a whole. I question myself because of these constant “contradictions” – who I get to be versus who I’m meant to be.

But online I get to be…whoever. In that sense, Haruko is my ideal self, an avatar that I get to present that encompasses all of my favorite things.

I suppose I’m rambling at this point but so it goes. I wanted a place to  put my thoughts down about my girl Minty. If you see her around, that’s me. So you should say hi!