Almost two years ago I wrote a post called Making Things Makes Me Sad. It primarily focused on how I felt about having my work seen as a creator, and the anxiety that came with it.
A lot has changed since then, and I do feel differently, so I’m going to talk about that. I also don’t want this blog to be exclusively about media I’ve consumed, which I feel it can be sometimes, heh.
I dunno if it’s just a matter of mellowing out, or how I feel about the internet nowadays, but I don’t feel that same level of anxiety anymore. For a long time I always wanted to be a person that was — for lack of a better descriptor — heard. I wanted to express my opinion and have it matter to lots and lots of people. This wasn’t like, a life-long goal of mine or anything, I just felt like I had interesting things to say and make, and I wanted to people to experience them. That’s partly why I started a blog in the first place. I figured that with a bit of elbow grease, I could get to the point where people knew who I was, and my opinions on things, or they’d have opinions on the things I made. Social media does a good job of making you feel like you’re pretty small in comparison to some big account Online, and that’s not what I wanted.
That has literally never come to fruition, and for a while it did bother me. It led me to make the post I did back then, fearing that what I was making was a waste of time.
But I’ve come to realize: being heard online sucks, actually.
I thought I’d enjoy any amount attention, but the reality is that I don’t have the personality to deal with it. That sort of attention has done nothing to make me happier or feel more fulfilled. On top of that, I’ve come to realize that I would never want to make a full-time living on any creative work I do, which was also always a dream of mind. I’m more than happy doing work that allows me to be creative, even if it’s not work I care about.
And so my mindset has shifted — the only attention I care about when it comes to my work are my friends.
I’ve become very content with making things for the people around me to experience. From stuff like Ask Her Out to fanfiction for my friends’ OCs to this blog itself, I’ve learned to derive joy from creating for my close circle. Frankly, my experience with the internet as a whole has shifted to focusing on this close circle, in everything from my time on Discord and Telegram to the forum I’ve created.
With that, I’ve become more fulfilled with my creations as a whole. I feel more of an intrinsic need to make things for the sake of making them, and not for the sake of being seen, which I think has been good for my mental health as a whole. It’s been pretty great.
So…yeah! This wasn’t a very planned out or even long post, but I just wanted to dump my thoughts out in a more casual manner. I’m sure my feelings on being creative will shift again with time, but for now, I’m pretty happy with the place I’m at!
